How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
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