I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Randomize
