xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Randomize
