I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize
