cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
