im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
