Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
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