I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
