Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
