Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
so much tequila, so little girl.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
