I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
