Don't make out with my wife yet
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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