There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
two words...techno handjob
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Randomize
