My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
