I hate all girls vehemently.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize