I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
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