Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I just want nice things and good sex
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
