why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
