Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize
