they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
