I just pynch a tree in the face
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
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