I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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