I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
