He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
