Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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