let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
You ate ashes out of my bong
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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