just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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