I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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