Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
