Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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