And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
