I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
ugly people sure do ruin things
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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