I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm lost and stupid without you.
i permit you to call me
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Randomize
