Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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