i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
Randomize
