she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
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