Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
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Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
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All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
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