we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
