I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
