Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
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