I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
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