i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
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