I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
