kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
