capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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