Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
