How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
Randomize
