My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
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