Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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