First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
