She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
