you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
