they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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