I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Randomize
