Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
