I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
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there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
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