I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Randomize
