theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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