Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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